The young women at church would just make an effort to discuss my faults to others in front of me or behind my back.
   If you are thinking, well I can understand why mothers felt that way; shame on you. Do you honestly think that every young woman at the church never had sex before marriage? Did you take the time to know someone and then form a opinion based on fact and not assumption? Would you even attempt to find out if she was sorry for what she had done or that she was continuing to do that or was the sign of having a child out of wedlock enough to seal her fate?

     Yes, I was mad. I sinned. I was sorry. I repented but I was left with the never ending consequences of my decision to keep my baby. Everyone knew my sin. If you think that others had not had sex before marriage you are sadly mistaken. I knew that there were many young girls in the church having premarital sex.

However, their mothers thought that they were such wonderful girls because no one could say otherwise. Sometimes these mothers would not take the time to find out if their daughters were having sex because as long as no one knew everything was okay. Often times these mothers would get their daughters birth control and would use me as the example for needing it. The reality is that they should have addressed the area of sin and prayed that their daughter change and ask God for forgiveness. Instead they are concerned with the outward appearance and never looked beyond that exterior. They never addressed the issue of sin.

     Did I understand why pregnant girls had abortions and they sat in the pew next to me? Yes, because they did not want to be treated like I was being treated. They knew that if anybody found out they would never be able to recover. The reality is that most people in the church chose to do just that. They look at the surface and chose to overlook or ignore hidden sin. Even if this sin was brought to the surface as long as there was no outward display no one needed to know.

     I could give you excuses for my sin. I could say I had unpleasant sexual encounters with some of my relatives to include my own father. My self-esteem was almost non existent. At the time I got pregnant, I had a boyfriend but I was rapped and knew that it was not my boyfriends. Of course my boyfriend dumped me immediately. I had still had sex before marriage. I have only told a few people about the rape because it somehow makes me seem sympathetic. It somehow sounds like an excuse and sin can never be looked at and excused. My sin was having premarital sex. I don’t want sympathy because although it was rape that produced my child, I had voluntarily had sex before marriage with my boyfriend. My sin was not being raped my sin was premarital sex so don't feel sorry for me. I had not voluntarily produced the child but I was still wrong in having sex outside of marriage.

     The consequence for keeping my child was not limited to the lose of a boyfriend. I lost a promotion that I was assured was mine. My boss was unsure on how my life would change when I had a baby. She had an abortion when she was younger and thought this might be the better route to go. My friend, who had been a missionary in many foreign countries, showed me where the Planned Parenthood building was located. She felt I should consider another alternative besides the one I had chosen. I lost my residence because no children were allowed in the complex.
     I did not feel I was being punished. I felt that I was feeling the consequences of my actions. However, the consequences were limitless. I did not have a cut off from discrimination. It continued because the church never let it go.

   Do you wonder why people don’t go to church? This is the perfect example of why people do not want to attend church. However, I must say that I went to church for one reason. It was the house of God. No matter who was there it did not matter. God had a home and I could not possibly think of any reason for not visiting Him in His home. I truly love God.
     So what did my husband make me see about myself? He made me realize that I was accusing God of injustice. What a horrible thought! I can see why girls have abortions because on the outside it looks so much easier. I not only felt that girls who had abortions were not treated badly I felt that they were treated better. My husband reminded me of Job which is my favorite book of the Bible. Elihu was talking about Job and His interruption of God. Job saw no profit in pleasing God or no profit for not sinning. I felt the same way in this matter.

Elihu says:
Job 34:9
9 For he (Job) says, 'It profits a man nothing
when he tries to please God.'
Job 35:3
3 Yet you ask him (Job), 'What profit is it to me,
and what do I gain by not sinning?'

     I did not see the difference. I saw the advantage to sin. No one would ever know unless you told them and then you could decide who knew. These women often got married and then told their husbands afterwards about their abortion. Were they afraid of losing their husbands? Of course, they would be in the same situation as me with no one wanting to get to know them. I could not see the outward disadvantage to abortion. However, I will never know the pain and hurt from an abortion. I will never know the shame, lack of self-respect, or constant fear of punishment from God for having an abortion.

     My soul, body, mind, and spirit weep. I had insulted the justice of God. I had misrepresented Him and His love for justice. He does not let sin go unnoticed or unpunished. I know that He is a just God. I do not need to see the outward consequences to abortion. God owes me no explanation and I deserve none.
     Although I do know that God has blessed me more than I could ever imagine. I have been given the greatest gift of all. I have known the heart of God through reading His word. I know that He loves me.

     I cannot end my paper without telling you how much God has given me. I was the General Manager of a local television station. I became a nurse and specialized in Emergency Room (ER) Trauma. I was in the Persian Gulf War as a nurse. I became a grandmother (Nov 7,2006) and my daughter is going to have her second child in August 2008. I have a warm, wonderful, and loving husband. I did not meet him in church but I am sure that he would have accepted me even if he had met me in church. I have never regretted my decision even though at times I felt the consequence where more intense than those who had abortions. I can assure you that having no regrets creates a wonderful state of contentment. I have been forgiven for my sin of premarital sex but I have never been sorry for keeping my child.
    My daughter is wonderful. She calls me all the time. She is one of my closest friends. I do not need to see the consequences to abortion but I can assure I see the rewards for not having an abortion. I brought a life into this world , with the help of God, who has brought other lives into this world and having family is my greatest asset and my lasting heritage. Now my verse of praise is in the book of Psalms. Psalms 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.          

Here is a few pictures of Deanna Hope with her grandparents.